I Have Relocated

www.ebethampton.wordpress.com

Well I guess you could say the three weeks of my life have been pretty crazy and slightly overwhelming. I had freshman orientation at Samford which was an information overload, and almost made me want to wait another year before starting college. Immediately following that I participated in Samford's Urban Adventure, making me remember how excited I actually am about college. It was great to spend a peaceful week on campus, and I am glad to see that I almost know my way around now. After that it was one day of rest before I traveled down to Orange Beach and had a great week with friends and family, where oil was not a hindrance at all. Then I came home and got a few hours of sleep before I left bright and early to go back to Orange Beach for Student Life Camp. All in all, camp was just a great experience getting closer to God and the other people I go to church with.

Altogether, I learned so much about myself, God, and my Christian duty over the last few weeks. Maybe a lot was stuff I already knew in the back of my head, but it certainly needed to be instilled in my every day thought. Particularly, Student Life Camp and Urban Adventure gave me so much food for thought. In a way I wish I could have attended camp first because I could have applied it more to my work in Birmingham with Urban Adventure.

Everything about camp was great. Aaron Keys, the worship leader, was awesome and his knowledge of Scripture really motivated me to start memorizing more verses. Matt Chandler, who was our main speaker, really opened up my eyes to knew things. And when I got home I immediately downloaded some of his podcasts because I just can't get enough of it. The fellowship time with all of the other students and chaperones was also amazing. We have funny memories that we will never forget, and also serious moments that we all took away. One particular night on beach was one I will always remember because William got saved. Through that, God not only opened up his heart, but I'm pretty sure he opened up every heart on that beach. I can't speak for everyone else, but I know that I saw God through William that night. I've never seen the kid cry, but tears of pure joy were streaming from his eyes and he couldn't even sit still because he was so excited.

But if I could say the one thing about camp that challenged me the most was how flawed my relationship with God is. It seems like such a simple thing, but for me it's incredibly difficult. There are only a few people in my life who I am close to, and to be honest I don't think there is a single person who knows me entirely. I'm a hard person to get to know, and I don't open up to people very easily. If you want to get to know me then it's something you have to work at. You have to tear down the defensive barrier that I have built up, and that takes a lot more than one conversation. I've always been okay with being like this, simply because I don't want to become vulnerable. I don't want people to know my weaknesses, or even my strengths for that matter. But I guess I've realized that this way of living has effected not only my relationship with my peers, but also my relationship with God. I don't know how to pray. Prayer is awkward for me. The idea of it sounds so easy, but in my mind it is so complex. There was a point in my life where I believed in God, yet I didn't believe he cared anything about having a relationship with me. If he did, then why doesn't he talk back? Why doesn't he show me his plan for my life more blatantly? Although these are questions I will still struggle with, I have decided to do something very uncharacteristic of myself and pursue God. Because if I don't pursue Him then why should He (or anyone else for that matter) pursue me?

I guess that I just needed to be reminded over and over throughout the week that God wants to be my best friend before I actually started to believe it. Communication is hard for me, but I know that it is essential to a healthy relationship. I've made these statements in previous posts, but I need to say it again just to get it through my own head. Because writing is so much easier for me than speaking, I got to the point that I was writing my prayers each night rather than saying it out loud or in my head. It was great at first because I feel more connected through writing, but now it's at the point that it's just something I do before I go to bed. I want my prayer life to be more than just a daily quiet time. I want to wake up in the morning and thank God for the sun shining in my window, or even just the fact that I have a window because I have a house. When I get out of bed, I want to thank Him for giving me a properly functioning body. I want to thank Him every time I crank my car, every time I experience the pleasure of a good book or good music. I want to be reminded of Him in every aspect of my life. Because He is in every aspect, I just continually fail to see it.

Urban Adventure, on the other hand, taught me about another important aspect of Christianity: Servitude. Urban Adventure was basically a group of about 30 Samford Freshman who had a desire to serve. We spent two full days at North Star Youth Ministries, a summer camp for kids of the College Hills community. North Star is coordinated pretty much through a family in their home, and it is designed to give kids a place to come during the summer where they can have lunch, participate in activities, and be surrounded by the love of Christ. Our job was to fix the place up a little by painting, landscaping etc. Before we started our work, we had a short training session on what it meant to be a neighbor. We distinguished the difference between what it means to volunteer, serve, and to neighbor. Sometimes we get too caught up in the idea of doing volunteer work that we forget its purpose. The Bible doesn't call us to volunteer at the local homeless shelter, but it commands us to be a neighbor to those in need. Being a neighbor requires more than a couple of Saturdays out of the month, it requires a lifetime commitment and an emotional connection. We are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, meaning that we should devote as much time to others as we devote to ourselves. However, I fall short of this over and over again.

And although we continually neglect our duty, the world is still not forsaken. While I was at camp we made a list of all the things that God is. The one I wrote that stood out to be the most was that God is hope in a forsaken world. God is working through organizations such as North Star to further his kingdom. As Christians, we have to realize that we are not called to live a practical life. Luke 9:57-62 talks about the cost of following Jesus. A man says he will proclaim the name of Christ after he buries his father who had just passed away. But Jesus replies saying "Leave the dead to bury their own dead". Nothing is more important the task we are given in the great commission. Although I do believe that our belief in God comes from the heart and through a personal relationship with Him, I also believe that if we are not doing His work then we may need to question where our heart truly is. The two go hand in hand, and one cannot fully exist without the other. So where are your priorities? After the last 3 weeks that is the question I've been asking myself, and my prayer is that God will show me and constantly remind me what is most important.

College??

Well. Samford it is. I know I seem horribly indecisive for changing where I am going to attend college this fall at pretty much the last minute, but if I could describe my entire nature or state of being in one word it would probably be indecisive. Saying that, now that I'm officially registered and it's all set in stone, I'm nearly positive that I made the right choice. Because maybe I really wasn't all that indecisive. I think this is what I wanted to do all along.



It was kinda hard for me to change my plan so suddenly. I already told everybody that I was going to The University of Montevallo as an English major, so once I had a plan the idea of backing away scared me. When I started my college search, my choices were Samford and Alabama. There was a lot about Samford I loved, but part of me just wanted to get away from the "Christian Circle" I had isolated myself in and just experience the world for what it truly was, whether for the good or for the bad. However, after visiting the school formally, I realized that Samford isn't one of those exclusive Christian schools as I perceived it to be. They were open to anybody, and did not reject people based on religion as long as they did not corrupt campus life with immoral things. And even though I will always support the Crimson Tide, I quickly realized that UA wasn't the school for me. I don't want to attend a big university where it takes me a whole year to learn my way around, and I'm nothing more than a number in a crowd. So even though I always said I wanted to go there, I ended up not even applying. In order to keep my options open I also visited North Alabama and Montevallo. UNA was nice and seemed like a great place to go to school, but I knew I wasn't ready to move three hours away. So I visited Montevallo and I loved it. The campus had a very similar feel as Samford's but without that high of a price. At this point, I didn't really allow myself to think about Samford because I was too consumed by the cost.



So Montevallo was my choice. English would be my major, simply because it was the best I could come up with. I was content and mostly happy, but I never really got excited. But over time, little things kept popping up pointing me back to Samford. At first I ignored it because my decision was made, but it got to the point that I didn't even want to go to Montevallo at all. Nothing about the school seemed appealing anymore, because I knew that Samford was what I wanted. But as I suspected, cost became a burden.



My life seemed meaningless, and I felt incredibly unfulfilled. I did everything in my life half-way because I never wanted to put any time and effort into it. And at the very top of this would be my life as a Christian, a follower of Christ, and a disciple to many nations. I claimed Christ in my life, but I didn't go out of my way to show it. I've always been a pretty good kid. I don't drink, do drugs, sleep around, or swear excessively, but that does not show anything about my character. I can't explain exactly what happened, but I've recently made a commitment. I want my life to be a living representation of the Word of God. I believe that faith is not only our belief in God, but it's also a verb. I want to put my faith into action. Sometimes we become to consumed by the concept that works do not save us, that we forget our Christian duty altogether. I truly feel that God has called me into His service in some way. Not to say that I'm supposed to become some form of minister or travel across the world spreading the Word(although I would love to do that), but I think that God wants to use my life to further His kingdom. And I believe that my time in college would be a great time to figure out exactly what that entails.



There are a lot of reasons I'm choosing Samford. It's a school with great academics, and a very prestigious university that I have been blessed with the opportunity to attend. It has a beautiful campus placed in the city I know and love. Also, I feel like the staff at Samford actually took the time to get to know me. As much as I hated writing the essay and doing the resume for admission, I can now appreciate that they had a desire to know me on a personal level. The admissions department sought me more than I sought them. My recruiter called me on a regular basis to see if I needed help with anything, and I actually grew comfortable speaking to him. That was an experience I didn't have from any other school I looked into. I've never really felt wanted or that I belonged anywhere before, but I feel like Samford is where I belong and they actually want me to be there. I know this sounds cliche, but it seems more like Samford chose me. It's a nice feeling. But if I could narrow my final decision down to one thing it would be God's will in my life. For so long I held this resentment against God because it seemed that he was ignoring my requests and I didn't sense his guidance in my life. But now, for once, I'm pretty sure my life is heading in the right direction. Samford has so many mission opportunities I plan to get involved in that Montevallo just didn't have to offer.



So even though I had to give up my fantasy of moving away to college and having that true "on campus" experience, I am very pleased with the decision I made. I can't even consider giving that up a sacrifice, because I am still blessed immensely. I have this amazing opportunity lying before me, and every day I get more excited to see what God has in store for me.

The Beginning

A few weeks ago David and I were talking when he randomly says "I think we should start a Bible Study". It was weird because that was something I had in the back of my mind for a while, but I never really thought anybody else would actually be interested in it and I just assumed the idea would get pushed aside if I mentioned it. But David brought up the idea and we both immediately got excited. We weren't sure what direction we were going to take this, when we would begin, or where it would be held, but we both knew it was something we wanted to do.

In the midst of this, both of us were reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and were really enjoying it, so we pretty much decided that we would start leading the Bible Study through that book. After further planning we finally set a date, and I think our excitedness began turning to nervousness. I'm a shy person. I'm a listener and a follower, not a leader or a speaker. Although David and I had no intention of "teaching" this Bible Study, we both knew that we would have to be the ones to get the discussion going and come up with questions and flow for the conversation. I know, for me, it was a huge step forward because for the first time I was actually taking initiative to get things done.

Yesterday was our first session and I think, aside from a few distractions, it went very well. I expected only four maybe five people to show up, but we ended up having 9. Although David and I were the main ones proposing ideas and questions, there was really no problem getting other people to talk. Nearly everyone had their own opinion to put forth, and those who didn't I knew were actually listening and thinking through what we were talking about.

The main issue that chapter one talked about was the vastness and intricacy of God's creation. In the book, Francis asks you to go watch this video. After watching it, I kinda had mixed emotions. Part of me was in awe of my Mighty Creator, while another part of me wondered why the heck he felt the need to create the world like this. Were all those other galaxies really necessary? Does a caterpillar really need 228 distinct muscles just in its head? Does an elm tree really need 6 million leaves? Practically, maybe not. But it goes so much deeper than that. During our discussion I asked the question: Why did God make the world so excessively big? We tossed different ideas around like the fact that God's creation is his own work of art, and his personality is seen through it. Another idea was that maybe God just wanted to show us how much he really cares. He cares so much that he added such great detail to his work to show us that we are worth the time and effort. Another reason would be just to show how big and powerful he really is. I also think a great explanation for the complexity and vastness of creation is seen in Romans 1:20. "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." God made his creation so detailed so that we would know there is a divine being, a mighty Creator, a God loves us so much that he would make himself man and die for us. We spend our lives asking for proof of this God we can't see, when the truth is he shows himself blatantly in the world around us. His creation is our proof, and we are left with no excuse to turn from him.

So after concluding that God shows his majesty through the magnitude of his creation, we began asking the question: Why is it so hard to love God, and why do we have to constantly remind ourselves of him when his presence is so obvious? We all agreed that we have too many distractions in our lives. Just sit back and think of how much time you've wasted in your life doing things that in reality are meaningless. I spend way more time on facebook than I do reading my Bible. The amount of time I spend talking to God would have to be multiplied by a fairly large number to reach the amount of time I spend talking to my friends. I work for money that I don't even really need way much more than I spend time serving those around me without pay. Am I saying that you should quit your job and spend your life working for no pay? No, you must still think about what's best for yourself. But at the same time, nothing about Christianity is practical. It wasn't practical for the disciples to leave their jobs and their families in order to follow Jesus, but it was something he demanded and was a risk they had to take. I tend to play life safely. I don't take many risks, and I usually leave the big things for other people to handle. But I think I've reached the point in my life where I want to give more. I'm tired of living a boring, half-way life and I want to dedicate myself completely to his work.

And aside from distractions of life, we also discussed that it's hard to love God because life can be so unfair sometimes. Death, poverty, illness, and hatred tell us that there is no God. Last Thursday I attended a memorial service of a two year old little girl who was hit by a car. How is that fair? How is it fair that she will never be given a chance at life, and that her family and those close to her will have to spend the rest of their lives missing her? It's not fair, not at all; but we will never be satisfied asking why things happen. This was the main theme of the message presented at her service. The man who did the eulogy said that we must stop asking why things happen, and just accept the fact that it did happen. In her short two years, Abigail was able to impact lives more than someone who died a natural death of old age may have been able to. Because of her accident, parents are encouraged to build stronger relationships with their kids while they still have the opportunity. People are reminded that we are never guaranteed tomorrow, and every minute of our lives count. Drivers now feel the need to be more aware and cautious of their surroundings in order to eliminate the number of accidents that happen. As horrible as it may seem, tragedy is what brings us together. We discussed 9/11 and how it brought us together as a nation, and as families. People strengthened relationships with one another because of the event. People were in churches, and we were once again a Christian nation. Although the impact may not have been lasting, it did bring us together for a while. Love was surrounding us, and we could feel God's presence in the midst of disparity. But still, we look at the world around us and see its imperfection, people die for seemingly no reason, and humanity is cruel. We fail to comprehend how a loving God can exist in the midst of that. So instead we reject him, or maybe just forget him. We become immune to him and his creation, and it gets to the point that we just really don't care.

There are several other things we discussed yesterday, but these are just the highlights I wanted to hit. I could be the only one, but I'm really excited about where this is going. For once, people actually seem like they care. We also kept throwing out the concept of how this can impact us as individuals, our youth group, our church, our community, and even the entire world we live in. I'm hoping that each session we will be able to bring up new ideas and topics of discussion. I hope that we will be able to strengthen relationships, and be able to put our beliefs into action by opening up to the community. David titled the event of our first meeting "The Beginning", but I think that would be an excellent title for the small group as a whole. Maybe this is the beginning of something new, maybe for the first time in quite a while we will all begin taking initiative and getting things done rather than waiting on someone else.

I really planned on writing this on Easter when it would fit more appropriately, but I ended up falling asleep instead. This year I just really started thinking about how horrible the commercialization of holidays are. It's like we can't even celebrate a significant day without forgetting what the significance of the day is. Days like Valentines Day, Mother's Day, and Father's day seem completely ridiculous to me because I think it's horrible to pick just one day out of the year to show love to our parent of significant other. In the same way, I hate that we reserve Good Friday and Easter as the days to recognize Jesus' death and resurrection when it's something that impacts our lives so heavily every day.

It really hit me Sunday afternoon when I was at my aunt's house for our typical Easter family gathering. I was playing with my 6-year old cousin while she was rambling on telling me about our plan to "defeat the boys" when out of nowhere she looks at me and says "Elizabeth, why does the Easter Bunny come if that's not what Easter is really all about?". It kind of took me off guard, and I honestly had no idea what to say. I ended up mumbling out something about how even though Easter has a much more important meaning, the Easter Bunny still brings us things because he wants us to be happy. Blah blah blah. As it turned out, Madeleine had a much better response for herself than what I had to give her. She simply said "I'm just happy that Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead".

Sometimes we forget how simple it really is. We forget that we don't actually have to run around hiding eggs or decorating our homes with pink bunnies to make us happy. Just sit for a moment and soak in the concept of this God, who is Creator of the universe, humbles himself to become the Redeemer of the universe. He made himself man, took on the lowly life of an ordinary human being, and then bore the weight of our sins on the cross so that we may be free. So that we could live a life knowing we are forgiven even though we have done nothing to deserve it.

And aside from dying to pay the price of our sins, I believe that there is a much greater meaning behind Christ's death. Dying for our sins was mere symbolism. If that was all that was at stake then I'm sure God would have found a better solution. The God I worship is the only god(that I know of) who lowered himself to grow closer to us. The fact that the Almighty God, who has the ability to wipe us all out by just thinking it, made himself human provides an emotional connection between God and man. Christ had to live. Christ had to die. It's what set him apart, what made him respectable, what made it him real.

As anyone who is reading this probably already knows, I love the show Lost. Despite the confusion and craziness of the 5th season, it ended very interestingly. The 4th season ended with six of the characters finding their way off the island and back to the United States. John Locke, is one of the main characters of the show who I always titled the Christ-figure. At the beginning of the 5th season, Richard tells John that it is vital for him to bring those six people back to the island, and in order to do so he must first die. He spends a great deal of time trying to convince them to return, but nobody even dreamed of doing so. They would rather die then go back to the island. By the end of the season, they all find out that John died by what they thought was suicide. After hearing this, they knew that they had to go back. They didn't know why they did or why they felt this way, but it was like fate was drawing them back. John Locke's death ignited an emotion in them all and brought them back together.

In the same way, I think Christ's death acts as a bridge between all Christians, and really all of humanity. It's the one and only thing we have in common, the only thing that can connect us to one another. Without his death, we would worship him out of fear and obligation rather than out of love and admiration. Right now I'm reading through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. If you haven't read this book then I highly recommend it. And that's coming from someone who really isn't a fan of religious books. Anyway, at one point he says "No worship is better than apathetic worship". The truth is, I usually don't care. I want to care, but it's hard when you enter worship and feel no emotion. And I've spent all of this time blaming God for not giving me inspiration, but really it's my own fault. He gave his life over 2,000 years ago to give me inspiration. The only time I ever sit and think about what actually happened on that day is around Easter, and even then I'm distracted by things like going to the store to get vinegar so my mom can have colored eggs. Maybe if I treated everyday like Easter, outside of the commercialization, then I wouldn't be so lukewarm. I don't want to be apathetic anymore. I want to live for a reason. I want to live because he died.

Writing this blog will most likely end with a group of people, who once respected me, coming together with plans of lynching or decapitating me. Why, you may ask? Because I am about to do something very bold and daring. I am going to bring up the dreaded issue that we were all glad to declare part of the past. *deep breathe* Yes, I am referring to the infamous Evolution Debate.

And, just to clarify, I am not bringing this up because I wish to start another argument. I know that we were all relieved to just bury the hatchet when it came to that debate. I am not reigniting the fire because I wish to insult anyone else or denounce their method of argument. In fact, the reason I am writing this is because I am more ashamed of my own method of argument than anyone else's.

Reading back through Matt's argument and the comments of others, particularly myself, made me realize how differently I thought through things back then than I do now. In fact, I remember actually being scared the first time I read it. This probably sounds ridiculous, but the idea of someone believing in a concept that I felt was so radical actually made me afraid. Looking back, I think that my fear of the idea was the reason I opposed it so strongly. I grew up being taught over and over again that God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. He did this by speaking the world into existence and breathing life into mankind. There was no giant egg involved, and the species of man did not originate from apes. Anyone who believed otherwise, in my mind, was blasphemy (for anyone involved in the controversy, I did not look down on you, this was just my initial reaction). With the way I think about things now, reading through the second time made me realize that if anyone was blasphemous in the situation then maybe it was me. I went in thinking I had all the answers, and refused to open my eyes to an alternative point of view. When I made my defense, I appeared to be open minded when really all I was doing was finding ways to support what I already believed.

When I read through everything again, the defense for evolution actually made sense to me, whereas it did not before. I feel that I have become more open minded and matured in my way of thinking, and although I still disagree with the theory, I disagree for different reasons than I said before. A major concept that my mind simply could not grasp was that the Creation story was a poem that may not necessarily be meant to be taken literally. I feel that, while the Bible does hold many of life's answers, it is also a beautiful work of literature. In fact, I would love to be able to take an entire class focusing on the Bible as a work of literature rather than strictly the word of God. I think that would open my eyes to what God has to say to me even more. Anyone who was raised in a Christian family or has even stepped foot into a church has been taught that the Bible is the infallible word of God. But where is the basis of our belief? I remember when I wrote my blog against evolution I opened by referencing 2 Timothy 3:16. "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness." Already my debate was flawed because I had committed a terrible fallacy. I was basically saying that we should believe literally everything the Bible says, and the reason we should do this is because the Bible tells us to. This screams circular reasoning and pretty much crosses out my entire argument.

So am I saying that we can't rely on the Bible to give us answers and guide us through life? No, absolutely not. I can already see my dad sitting here reading this, turning red in the face, trying not to scream (and I already expect a pretty lengthy comment). The point I'm trying to make is that Christians sometimes try to fit the world into their Christian circle, and refuse to open their eyes to reality. Reality states that the Bible was written by man. Yes, inspired by God, but nonetheless written by man ,who is flawed in every action. Additionally, the Bible has undergone many translations(also done by man), and we cannot expect that to be done perfectly. On top of all of that, the Bible is read and interpreted by man. We make Scripture mean what we want it to mean in order to fit into our beliefs. I could say that I believe just about anything, open to the reference in my Bible, and find a verse that supports it.

I think that I've reached the point in my life that I have realized there really isn't a correct answer to anything. All of us who did not support the evolution theory had good reasons for doing so. Those who did support it had excellent reasons as well. Who is to say that one person is right and the other is wrong? Maybe I am saying this because I have become weak or a person of little faith, but I think that to some extent truth is relative. If we all believe something, believe it with passion, and carry it out in our lives, then maybe to some degree we are all right. God wants passion, not apathy. He wants us to seek Him in our lives, and hold strong to whatever we find even if it may be different than what others find.

I feel like, over the last six to eight months, I've reached a pretty low point in my life. I've doubted more than I ever have before, and I don't have nearly as much "faith" as I used to. You may look down on me for saying this, but that does not matter to me. I quit trying to make my beliefs fit in to what my parents believe, what my friends believe, or what pastors have said. Maybe I am not as strong as I used to be, but now I am real. I don't want to look back on things I have said or written and feel like a hypocrite anymore. I want to live what I speak, and do it proudly. Unfortunately, in order to do that, I had to start clean. I had to tear down rebuild my relationship with God instead of continuing in the fake one I already had. So maybe I have taken a few steps back, but to me that is ok. Because now I am, hopefully, making progress, and that is better than staying in the same place for the rest of my life.

About a week ago I began writing a blog about how much I have changed over the past few months. How I have changed both for the better and for the worse. It was already a really long blog, and I hadn't even finished yet. I got so lost in my thoughts that I just had to quit for a while and come back to it. But then I realized I was writing it pretty much just for myself, because I wanted to convince myself that I had become a better person. The truth was, I really didn't even want anyone else to see it. That blog will probably sit in my drafts forever, never finished, never published. Because maybe, after all, I haven't changed so much. Maybe I'm still the coward I've always been. Afraid to speak. Afraid to let people in. Afraid to reveal myself. Maybe some things never change...

I feel like I should say something, but I really have no idea what to say.

Jack and Jill

We've all heard the story of Jack and Jill,
and how they went up a hill to fetch a pail of water.
When Jack falls down, breaks his crown, and Jill comes tumbling after.
But this rhyme leaves the reader unfullfilled, for such crucial details it leaves out.
For we don't even know how the journey began, or even how Jack's stumble came about.
It all began on a bright summer's day when Jack was summoned by his father.
He felt slightly afraid and his hands trembled, for his dad was a man in which one shouldnt bother.
Now don't get me wrong, he was a wonderful man filled with love and compassion.
But he was the sort of father, who if you failed to obey, you knew you were in for a lashing. When he timidly approached he found his father waiting with a bucket in hand.
He pointed to the East and said firmly yet softly, "Son, this is my command."
He continued by saying "Take this bucket, and together with your sister, climb the hill in the East."
Once you have passed all obstacles and reached the top, you will find the River of Peace.
I want you to fill this bucket to the rim and bring it back here to me.
If you do what I ask and you do it correctly, then your reward you may see.

Now Jack was a smart boy and knew not to question his duty and further. So with the bucket in hand and Jill by his side, he ascended the hill never dreaming it may lead to murder
At first the task seemed so simple, they felt wild and free
Until suddenly it was as if they could barely breathe.
The came upon their entrance of the Forest of Desparity.
At once, every happy feeling or emotion had vanished.
As if they would never smile again, they were terrifyed. Even too afraid to panick.
They were surrounded by cold, foggy mist whishpering torments in their ears.
"You are failures. You will never survive. Your feet will never reach the top!"
Then Jack looked down to find Jill's eyes filled with tears.
But he suddenly remembered the task that lie before him. He musn't give up. They must proceed!
He then took a deep breath and said to himself, "I will not have my father ashamed of me"
The continued for what seemed like hours, in what felt like quicksand beneath their feet.
All their failures and shortcomings rest upon their shoulders, and they felt bruised and ever so beat.

But soon they learned that perseverance pays off, when a ray of sunlight shone through ahead. They proceeded even faster until they landed in a feathers, as soft as a bed.
When Jill opened her eyes, she couldn't help but laugh and stare.
For Jack did look rather funny with feathers in his hair.
Jack then looked at her with a grin But it was mostly because he was able to smile again.
They layed there for a while enjoying the scene that surrounded them, But they both stood up knowing there was work to be done.
So they began with a slow walk, then dashed into a run.
Jill was cooled by the wind in her hair, and Jack by the glistening sweat rolling down his temple. Once again everything seemed to them so beautifully simple.
The suddenly halted when out of the corner of her eye, Jill spotted an innocently majestic lamb lying by her side.
She cautiously approached, but the lamb seemed welcome by any visitor nearby.
She petted it softly, and Jack joined in. The animal did not seem at all shy.
After a few moments had passed, Jack came to the realization that sheep do not travel alone.
The poor thing must be lost or abandoned, or somehow found its way from home.
Enthralled by its beauty and peaceful nature, they decided to carry it along.
Maybe they would find its flock, at least they certainly werent doing anything wrong.
So Jack picked up the lamb, and they proceeded until nightfall forced them to make camp.
They slept on the ground which was warm only hours before, but now was cold and damp.
They fell into slumber until Jack was awoken by hot air blowing on his neck.
Where the lamb had once laid was now an ugly wolf-as if it had been in a fight or a reck.
It stared at him menacingly then charged toward his face.
When the claw hit his skin, Jack knew it would leave a scar that would never erase.
But, surprisingly, the wolf did not again strike.
Yet Jack somehow knew this was not the end of the fight.
It took the bucket for the water, and clenched it between its jaw.
Jack sprinted after him and began to follow.

Jill wept as she slowly followed behind, not knowing which direction they went.
She felt useless, questioning her own existance or why she was even sent.
She had been alone before, but had certainly never felt as alone as this.
She continued to cry when she met someone who made everything make sense.
"Why are you crying, dear one?", a voice came from behind.
She turned around swiftly, and what a surprise she did find.
It was a well-dressed lad, and ever so handsome!
Paralyzed by shock, she just stared at him while blinking.
She didn't know what to say, or even what she was thinking.
He went on to tell her how beautiful girls such as herself shouldnt spend so much time in misery He boosted her self-esteem and did simply anything he could to make her feel less weary.
Jill was not entirely sure what love was, or how it felt; but she guessed it was something like this. They gazed at each other and leaned in to kiss,
but after the release- She was horrifyed to find him running into the forest, never again to be seen.
She felt heartbroken but knew this had been a distraction.
Now she was reminded the nobody cares of her turmoil, and it was time to take action.

Meanwhile, Jack continued until eventually he found himself alone and lost.
He felt a terrible brother for he abandoned his sister, and the price to pay would be of high cost. He placed himself down upon a moss-covered rock, and reviewed the adventure over the last day.
He attempted to postulate a plan in his mind, but couldn't see past his own dismay.
As he sat, he began hearing a quiet thumping noise coming from behind.
It gradually grew louder and he saw people running-people unlike his kind.
They appeared savage and with a murderous look in their eyes.
But he did not stay to examine, for these people were much larger than his size.
He ran until his feet could carry him no more.
Even still he continued until suddenly through the air he soared.
He had tripped over something, but what could it be?
He tried to move forward but did not get very far, for little did he see-
his foot was stuck in the pail his father had given him just one day previously.
The pail did not look the same, for now it was dented and beat.
There was now one thing he knew, and that was that he must reach the River of Peace.

He was unsure which direction he was heading, so he let his feet carry him instead.
The vicious army behind him still followed, appearing as if they had not been fed.
Jack had never experienced an adrenaline rush like this before.
He WOULD make it to the top, by this he swore!
Then at last he saw only a few yard straight ahead-
A river, streaming so peacefully. He had made it just like he said.
Along the river bank, he spotted a young girl.
He rushed by her side, picked her up, and gave her a whirl.
Im sorry for leaving you, he began to cry.
"No time for apologizing now", she replied. "We must hurry or we will surely die!"
Jack took the beaten bucket, and filled it high.
And with Jill's hand in his other, they charged into the night.
It was now a downhill run, they were sure they could make it.
But the savages still followed, and their lives were forsaken.
"Not much further", he yelled. "I see our cottage in the distance"
What he didn't know is that the savages were given assistance.

In midair as he lept, an arrow pierced through his back.
He fell to the ground, and Jill followed behind as the bucket of water splashed.
It was a double-ended arrow, and the other end went through Jill too.
Their journey was now over. They were finished. They were through.
Their bodies were now connected by the arrows in between,
But the cuts went deep, and they went through clean.
The catastrophe happened not far from home, so their father rushed to the scene.
He began weeping mournfully, and fell down to his knees.
He saw the bucket beside them, it was empty indeed.
But instead the children were dripping with water from the River of Peace.
And it was true that they had never looked so peaceful as now that their lives had ceased.
As the grown man cried he said, "My son, my daughter, in you I am well pleased."
From his eye, a single tear dripped upon Jacks lips.
After of moment of time, he felt his son's grip.
Their father knew now this fight was not over, so he cried even harder.
Soon his tears streamed all over his son and his daughter.
At last they were awoken by their father's loving compassion.
All their fears and strife were now in passing.
The arrow wounds on their bodies healed in a moments time,
But the scar from the wolf would be something to always remind.
They hugged and they kissed, and they wept a little more
Until finally they made it back to the cottage door.
I tell you, this sotry was written so that one may never give up,
and will always remember that there is nothing so pure as a Father's love.

~*Elizabeth

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27

From Casey's Point of View

So I started writing this story. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with it. I started it a certain way, and now it's heading in a different direction. But anyway, this is the beginning of it.

Casey Cronan seemed like the average 8 year old girl. She wore her long golden hair in braided pigtails to school everyday. She played hopscotch and jumped rope with her friends at recess, and ate her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crust cut off. Every night when she laid her head down and closed her dreary eyes, she dreamed of being a princess dressed in an elegant pink gown. However, Casey was far from ordinary. Casey noticed more than most kids her age, and she understood the realities of this cruel world we live in better than most adults.

Casey waved goodbye to her neighbor Mr. Foreman as her dad pulled out of the driveway to take her to school. Mr. Foreman was an elderly man with little hair on the top of his head, who was always ready to share a cup of hot chocolate over a warm conversation. He was the only one who really understood Casey for who she was, and was the only person who Casey truly trusted. On most days after school Casey would run to Mr. Foreman's door and wait impatiently for him to come out and sit in the chairs on the front porch and tell her stories from his past. Sometimes Casey would share stories too. Each evening when dusk came and darkness began to swallow what was left of the sunlight, Casey knew it was time for her to walk across the yard back to her own home. Whenever Casey would stand up to leave, he would look into her sparkling blue eyes and whisper ever so softly, "Remember who you are, and don't ever let anyone try to change that." Casey heard this nearly everyday for the last two years, but was still not entirely sure what it meant. All she knew at this point in her brief life was that she was different than most kids, and that Mr. Foreman was the only person including herself who knew why.

Like most evenings when Casey shed her coat by the front door, she entered her house to find her dad in the office on his phone. She sat quietly by the door and waited for him to end his conversation. However, Casey's dad worked for the government ans was a very busy man. At the age of six, Casey already knew all about taxes and I.R.S. agents because that was all her dad knew how to talk about. It wasn't that he wasn't a good father. He tried his very best to provide for her every need, but sometimes it was the things she needed the most that he neglected. It was times like these that Casey wished even more that her mother was still around, because the truth was George Cronan didn't know how to be both a dad and a mom. Casey's mom was murdered in her own home about five years earlier. Although Casey was only two years old at the time, she knows more about the catastrophe than anyone would ever give her credit. Casey was the only witness of the murder, and the images of her mother's brutal death are some that will remain with her for the rest of her life. Besides her own majestic blue eyes, these visions are really the only thing Casey's mother left behind for her. Sometimes in the dead silence, she can still her the shriek that was her mother's last cry. A plea for help. And because Casey was merely an infant, there was nothing she could do to save her mom. She thinks about these things daily, but rarely does she ever speak of them. Casey was strong, and although she lived nearly every second of her life in fear, she never let her fears consume her. Mr. Foreman was the only one she really ever talked about these things to, and he always seemed very intrigued. She thought his may have something to do with why he always told her to remember who she is. She wasn't sure. But if there is one thing she knew, that she learned from her own mother's death is this: You can't trust anyone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm completely lost. Sometimes I feel like everything I've spent my life living for is completely and utterly useless. I spend all this time searching myself to figure out who exactly I am, what I stand for, and what I believe in; then I sit here and question myself. I ask myself if it's really all worth it. Is it worth my own thought to try to decide what I believe, when nobody really knows the right answer to anything anyway? Is it worth swallowing my pride to reach out to others when I only get a slap in the face in return? Is it worth staying up all night to study for a test that I end up failing anyway? It's like I'm at that point where I'm so close to the end, yet everything is pressing down on me to the point that I just want to drop it all and give up. Like a runner in a marathon who has been jogging a steady pace for miles, and just when the finish line is in sight he thinks he can't make it any farther. Or maybe he just doesn't want to finish because, after all, running is what he does and after the race is over he just won't know what to do next. I read a John Steinbeck book a while back Cannery Row. At one point there was a guy in the story who they said had spent a major part of his life building a boat. Somebody asked why it was taking so long for him to build the boat, because it really wasn't that big or extravagant and didn't seem like it would have taken that long to build. The guy talking about it replied that he really finished the boat a long time ago. The truth was he really didn't like the water, he was afraid of it, but his enjoyment lied in the building of the boat so that's what he spend his time doing. He never considered the job finished.


I guess that's kinda how I am. I spend all this time anticipating life after high school. I wanted to grow up so fast and just get out of here. I wanted to leave this all behind and start a new life. And although part of me still does, now that the time is so quickly approaching I don't even know what to do with myself. I've spent all these years "building my boat", but now I don't even know if it will be able to withstand the rough waters. Like the character in Cannery Row, I'm scared of what's out there because so far, the comfort of my own home is all I know. But I guess it's up to me now to take a deep breath, face reality, and realize that although I may not have much of a past, I do have a future. Because the truth is, all I have to do is look around me and remember all the incredible memories to remind myself that it really is all worth it. Even the pain of leaving everything behind becomes bearable knowing that memories are something that take a long time to fade. I've seen through myself that life comes in Seasons. Even though today is cold and dreary, tomorrow I may wake up to sunshine. It's up to me to seize the day and make the best of what it is instead of soaking in self misery.

~*Elizabeth

I really don't like AP World History. Its bores me and stresses me out. However, while skimming through the pages of my history text trying to find reasons why the Roman Empire fell so I can write this essay that I should have written yesterday instead of 10:00 tonight, I read something that caught my interest.
I think it's good to look at Christianity through they eyes of an unbeliever. Sometimes that means looking at it through someone who hates Christians in general. Other times it means just looking at it as someone who is apathetic towards the matter. My history book is written from a non-Christian (supposedly) unbiased perspective. I started reading about early Christianity in Rome and for some reason I found the description of Jesus and his followers to be stunningly beautiful. Here are some snippets from the text:

"The Christians formed their community around Jesus of Nazareth, a charismatic Jewish teacher whom they recognized as their savior. He was a peaceful man who taught devotion to God and love for fellow human beings. He attracted large crowds because of a reputation for wisdom and miraculous powers, especially the ability to heal the sick... Jesus' crucifixion did not put an end to his movement. Even after his execution Jesus' close followers strongly felt his presence and proclaimed that he had triumphed death by rising from the grave. They called him 'Christ,' meaning 'the anointed one,' the savior who would bring individuals into the kingdom of God. They taught that he was the son of God and that his sacrifice served to offset the sins of those who had faith in him. They taught further that, like Jesus, the faithful would survive death and would experience eternal life in the spiritual kingdom of God. Following Jesus' teachings, the early Christians observed a demanding moral code and devoted themselves uncompromisingly to God...Christians refused to honor the Roman state cults or revere the emperor as a god. As a result, Roman imperial authorities launched sporadic campaigns of persecution designed to eliminate Christianity as a threat to the empire. In spite of the repression, Christian numbers grew rapidly...The remarkable growth of Christianity reflected the new faith's appeal particularly to the lower classes, urban populations, and women. Christianity accorded honor and dignity to individuals who did not enjoy high standing in Roman society, and it endowed them with a sense of spiritual freedom more meaningful than wealth, power, or social prominence. It taught the spiritual equality of the sexes and welcomed the contributions of both men and women. And it provided a promise of future glory for those who placed their faith in Jesus."

Maybe its because I'm a dork, but this just really got me thinking. In the midst of persecution and martyrdom Christians stood strong the most. Christians were respected as people who did not compromise their beliefs, and now many Christians are looked at as nothing more than a bunch of hypocrits. Today, we don't have to worry about being fed to lions or burned to death for what we believe, yet we do not stand out like the early Christians did. I think a big problem is the fact that the term "christian" has become watered down. Its cliche' and too many people claim it. The early Christians were not merely Christians, they were followers of Christ. It makes me want to examine myself and see if I really am as devoted as I should be.

~*Elizabeth

Got a Plan?

John Locke is a man of faith. He believes that everything happens for a reason, and though he has his times of disbelief, he knows that fate and destiny will pull him through in the end. He believes in a greater purpose for himself and does quite a bit of soul searching in order to find that purpose. If you don't watch the tv series Lost then you probably either have no idea what I'm talking about or are wondering how in the world I know all of this about that old philosopher guy, or why I would even want to know. Locke is one of the characters who is sometimes almost annoyingly faithful. He's an out-of-the-box kind of guy, but he's always the one to say things that leave you thinking or wondering. In the first season, not too long after the plane initially crashed on the island, the survivors begin to realize that they are not the only ones on the island. And the people they find are not very welcoming. In fact, they kinda seem like they are out to get them. Of course when you have about 40 people coming from all different directions, thrown together on an island in the middle of nowhere, there are bound to be some feuds or disagreements. In the midst of one of these disputes, John Locke steps in and says that they will get nowhere while fighting like this. He says that there is an enemy out there and the more dispersed they become over these arguments, the easier it will be for the enemy to take over and the more difficult it will become for survival.

I believe that the same theory applies to our lives. Obviously we're not stranded on an island with unknown savages out to kill us, but similarly we are on earth away from Savior and there is an enemy out there waiting for our moments of weakness. Just how Locke was talking about, being dispersed is our greatest weakness and I believe it will be the one to fail us in the end. Sadly, I feel that religion is the one thing that pulls us apart the most. It should be the thing that brings us together, but instead it draws lines and builds up walls between us. From what I can tell, religion has been a topic of argument for pretty much all of mankind's existence. When Jesus was around roaming the earth, the Pharisees were the religious freaks of the time. While many of their beliefs may have been closely in line with what God wanted, they focused so greatly on the rules and forget where love comes into play. Instead of helping the helpless, they would turn away because they religious believes told them that would make them unclean. They condemned Jesus for associating with those who were considered of greater sin, but it was being with them that led more people to Christ in the end.

Knowing all the rules, and studying deeply into what the Bible tells us is a great thing. In fact, I think everyone should know what they believe, and stand by it firmly. But I have found that religion is the thing that pushes people away from Christianity the most. This is because it separates us from one another when we should be united. We claim to have this perfect life with Christ going for us, but we are only being hypocritical. We focus so much on following all the rules that we forget about love and helping those in need. We are not welcoming to those who are not like us, and we put off the impression that we think our lives are so much better than everyone Else's. Are religious believes are getting in the way of what's really at stake.

Earlier this year I read the book Blue Like Jazz. I really enjoyed this book because it made me think about my religion with being religious. In fact, the tag line for the book was "Non-religious thoughts on Christian Spirituality". At the beginning of the book Donald Miller says, "I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather to have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's heart into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God." And I think that's just it. Our religion drags us into habits that end up being a waste of our time. We have to pray before we go to bed, but if that prayer is forced does it really mean anything? We read the Bible regularly because well, that's what the Bible tells us to do. We stay away from people who we think are more sinful than us because we don't want to become corrupted. But if we're doing this all out of habit does it really mean anything? We need to pray and read our Bible out of desire. We need to do it because we can't make it through the day without it, not because it says to in the rule book.

Hebrews 10: 11 says, "Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins." The problem here was habit, the priest did these things because he had to, not because he wanted to. Not because he had this overwhelming desire to worship God. And it says that this got him nowhere, it did not even grant him the remission of sins. His religious duties were eating away at his heart until there was no desire left in him.

I believe that Satan has a battle plan, and I think a major part of that plan is Divide and Conquer. If he can get us broken up into little segments, he can take over each one. If he can get us arguing we will forget that we are arguing because of a God thing and it will turn into a Satan thing. He wants us to reject people. He wants us to tell people that they are not welcome in our church because they are homosexual or because they became pregnant outside of marriage or maybe just because they dress differently than us, listen to different music, or have a different background. He wants us to stay within our small little circle of Christian friends and not let the "others" in. He wants us to become so focused on religion that we forget about loving our neighbor, we forget about helping those in need, and we forget about our true Christian purpose. Why are giving our enemy what he wants so easily? Why are we supplying him with ammunition?

He doesn't want us to be a servant to those in need, so I've been thinking that maybe that's what I will do. I believe that if some people spent half the effort they do studying scripture details or trying to prove why their denomination is right, there would be a lot less people who die of hunger, or are left to sleep alone on the cold streets. I believe that if people like myself wouldn't waste so much time thinking about doing good things and actually do them, then there wouldn't be so many hurting people in this world. I think that God has blessed us with enough resources in this world to save every person who dies of hunger or hunger related illnesses. Unfortunately, the problem lies in the people and their unwillingness to get off their high horse and help the lowly.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world
-James 1:27

So just as Satan has a battle plan, so do I. Just as the character of John Locke has a purpose, so do I. My plan and purpose is love. And in this case love being a verb, an action word. I want to serve those in need rather than looking at it as a hopeless case. In my life, I'm in the process of decided what I want the rest of my life to be like, what I want to do with my time. I still don't know what my major in college will be or what job I want to have after college, but I do hope it will involve outreach and service. I want it to be love in action. Because that, I believe, is my purpose in live, it's my battle plan.

But if we are the body why aren't His arms reaching? Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching? And if we are the body why aren't His feet going? Why is His love not showing them there is a way?

~*Elizabeth

The Sweet Release

A long time ago in Southeast Asia hunters invented a simple yet effective way of capturing monkeys. All they had to do was get a pot with a narrow opening, put fruit into the bottom, bury it, and then wait for a monkey to come. The monkey would be attached to the scent of the fruit and fit its hand into the hole to grasp a fistful. This was a trap because there is no way for the monkey to get his hand out without first releasing the fruit. So the monkey fights and struggles but it is a hopeless case because he is too enthralled to just let go. All he needs to do in order to save himself is just simply let go, yet he is too stubborn so now all the hunter has to do is throw a net over him and the monkey will most likely never be free again.


Letting go is sometimes the hardest thing to do. It shouldn't be because it seems so simple, yet it is. I love to reminisce and recall the memories, but I've realized that all I'm doing is clinging to the past which is completely and utterly meaningless. Some people have a hard time letting go of pain. If you have been hurt by someone its hard to just leave that in the past and move on without any hard feelings. For me, I have an even harder time letting go of the good things. I honestly have a hard time dealing with the fact that all good things will eventually come to an end. But time and time again I feel like a thousand rocks are being thrown at my head when I realize that what once was, no longer is. But that is just a fact of life and all that's left to do is accept it and move on.

I think I'm starting to live with the mentality that when things are good disaster should be expected, but when things are bad relief is on it's way. I try not to let myself get attached to people or things especially when I think its something I care about so greatly. I feel like the more emotionally involved I get, the harder it will be to move past it once its over. But the truth is, I can't stop myself from enjoying what I find to be a good thing. I can tell others that I don't care, but all I'm doing is lying to them and to myself. In the end though, it hits pretty hard and I'm left wondering where in the world that bullet came from. So just like I try to prolong the enjoyment, I also try to prolong the pain. This, too, catches back up with you.

I've realized that most of the time the people or things you think you need the most are really the things that don't have a place in your life at all. Almost everything is ok in moderation, but if you feel that strongly about something then there is no moderation. It will consume you. And being consumed by just about anything will always have disastrous effects.

I have some things in my past that I have recently decided I'm ready to let go of. I'm a pretty decent kid and I've never really done anything that bad, but the things I'm ready to rid myself of are the memories I've held on to but clearly can not relive. But now I realize that it's not worth even talking about because good things come and go and all I have to do is accept that as part of life. Sounds easy enough, right?

Chances are you have no clue what I'm talking about, and that is ok. But for the few of you who do, just know that I've decided to be honest and have now officially buried the hatchet. And I'm sorry for not being honest before. To everyone else and myself. But like the monkey sometimes we humans fight for so long because we are too stubborn to just let go. The difference between us and the monkey is that we know it's best to let go, yet we don't. We keep struggling against it until it gets to the point that our hand is all cut up and swollen. When you hold on for that long, even if you do decide to let go of the fruit, your hand is too swollen and bruised to even slide back through the hole. So I want out now, before it's too late. Because I really do believe there is a hunter out there, and the chances of me being caught in his net grow stronger and stronger every minute that I hold on to these meaningless things. Right now I'm thirsting for the sweet release, and I won't let myself give up until I experience it.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

~*Elizabeth

You See Strange Things When You Are Downtown

So we are driving downtown to go serve food to people at Jesse's Place when I glance over at the car to the right of me. I have to do a double take because in my head I was thinking "woah, does that person really have a lizard on their shoulder?" Yes, indeed. There was a woman driving down the road with an IGUANIA ON HER SHOULDER!
Probably one of the most random things I have seen in like...ever? maybe. haha

~*Elizabeth

The Long Awaited Summer

The grass is green once again, and it's covered in those weeds I always used to pick for my mom because I thought they were pretty flowers. The weather is finally warm and since I live in Alabama, the air getting pretty wet and sticky. You can only stand outide in the same place for about three seconds before there is at least one gnat up your nose or down in the corner of your eye. James Spann probably has only gotten a couple of hours of sleep in the last week because everybody is worried about the tornadoes that come through this time of year. Students are feeling those extra pounds upon their shoulders because exam week is quickly approaching. We all long to be able to breathe evenly once again, without the stress of school. We will be able to sleep until noon and eat two bowls of cocoa puffs before enjoying a long day of relaxation. Yes, summer is almost here.

Summer has always been pretty much what I live for. I love absolutely everything about it. No school. Hot Southern weather that everybody else complains is miserable. My birthday. Sleep. Laziness. Of course, summer isn't quite as carefree as it used to be. I have a job now, and I am in desperate need of getting more work hours once I can. I'm approaching my senior year which means I need to start focusing on applying for colleges, doing community service work, and earning as much money as I can. But even with all that to think about, I am looking foward to this summer more than I have most summers in my past.

I feel like this is going to be a summer that really counts, and I want to make it great. I want to waste a day reading a good book out by the pool. I want to fry my skin in attempts of getting a decent tan. I want to wear tank tops and shorts while running around in those afternoon thunderstorms that come about every day in the summer. Hopefully I'm getting a car soon and so for the first time in my life, if I want to hop in the car and go to Smoothie Joes I can do it. And that thought makes me happy.

I also want to help others this summer. I really need to be more involved in my community, and hopefully doors will be opened to do that in these next few months.

I want to rebuild broken relationships. There have been numerous people who have come and gone in my life, and there is absolutely no good reason they shouldn't still be here. I want to go back to the good ole days and relive some old memories even if it means me swallowing my pride or stepping out of my comfort zone.

Everybody says they want to "find themself". Not me. I'm ready to begin creating myself. I've wasted so incredibly much time in my life so far, and I regret so much of that. I want to start living for the moment. Enjoying every single second of life. Stepping up doing what I want to do, despite the fears or hesitations that may be involved. When people ask me who I am and what I want to do, I want to be able to give them a good answer.

This summer I want to write more. I want to write things that to other people are completely meaningless, but to me are a form of expression. I want my blog page to be full of several posts a week even if that means just talking about what happened in my day.

All in all, I want this summer to be a perfect array of both productiveness and laziness. And I want to find out things I never knew about both other and myself. But I want it to be one that is going to stand out to me in my future. One that I remember for particular reasons. It's going to be the summer right before the bridge that crosses over into adulthood. So I am going to enjoy my youth while it lasts instead of rushing through it like I once did.

~*Elizabeth

Come Break Me Down

Is anger a bad thing? Is it wrong to be mad at someone and be straight-forward about it even if it may hurt them to hear it? Even if our emotions are wrong or illegitimate, should we be up front about it or suppress it so that nobody knows what we are really feeling?

Not knowing how to express my emotions would definitely be one of my character flaws. Usually if I'm mad or upset about something I don't really like to talk about it. The truth is, I have a hard time trusting people. I don't really know why because there are some truly amazing people in my life, I just don't trust society as a whole to know what I'm feeling. Also, I don't cry. Ever. This too is a terrible way to be, and I do not encourage it at all. I think its good to cry every now and then, especially for girls. It's like casting away your burdens, and the feeling of relief is amazing. I'm not entirely sure why I don't cry. I suppose its almost like a sign of weakness, and I strive to be an emotionally strong person. These are problems I'm working on, and maybe one day I will get better at this whole "expressing yourself" thing.

Actually, I think we should be completely straight up about our feelings with people. Not to the point that we critique everything people do and lower the self esteem of others, but I don't think we should be fake about what we think of them. Its almost like the whole world is wearing this mask, and we are too afraid what people will think if we take it off. So instead, we never say the things we feel and continue to say the things we don't just to feel acceptance.

Everyday we lie with a smile. Women lie when they make their voice really high pitched saying "hey, girl" and wave at that person who you really wish didn't just walk in the room. Men lie by saying "hey man, whats happening?" and shake hands with the guy you didn't feel like seeing today. In fact, I would go as far as saying that we lie to God on a daily basis. At least, I know I do. I say that I want to abide by his plan for me and I try to wait patiently for the answers I seek, but inside I'm screaming. Is it wrong to be angry with God? You know, the big guy who created the world. The one who put me here, and does have a plan for me even if I don't see or understand it. As strange as it may sound, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a little angry at God sometimes. That is, if we are upfront about it. I think that the thing God really wants is for us to let him know what we are thinking even if that does mean unjustified anger.

If you think about it, Jesus wasn't always exactly happy with his Father. Actually, I think he was pretty angry and distraught that night in the Garden of Gethsemane. But the difference is, he went forward with his feelings and spent a great deal of time in prayer and supplication. Most of time, I swallow the lump my throat and tell myself that what I'm feeling isn't important. In other words, I run away from my problems. When reading the passage in the garden, I don't get the impression that God cursed him for being worried or upset. In fact, I think he blessed him by giving him the strength to get off his feet and do what he was born to do. I believe that if I was more honest and telling about my feelings, then I would experience these same effects.

I read the book The Shack a few months ago. If you haven't read this book then I'm sure you've at least heard of it considering that it's one of those cliche' "everychristianhastoreadit" books. Personally, I thought it was kinda strange and highly overrated. The basic story line is about this guy, Mack, whose daughter was abducted by a mass kidnapper and later found to have been murdered in a shack in the middle of the forest. One day Mack gets a letter from this guy named Papa, who turned out to be God, telling him to meet him at The Shack. The main thing I got out of this book was not exactly what I think the intended message of the story was. When Mack goes to The Shack he finally relieves himself of all the fury and emotion he had been suppressing for so long. He basically lashes out against God in anger, and tells him that he doesn't see how someone who supposedly cares so much about him could allow something as tragic as this to happen. For Mack, letting go of all of this was the first step to recovery. Once he was honest with himself, God, and later the rest of the world, he was able to deal with his emotions more rationally.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that anyone should hate God or anything like that. However, I believe that God desires to be on a personal level with us and in order for that to happen we must be honest with Him. It's not as if he doesn't know how we feel already, but for us to come forward ourselves is a giant leap toward this desired relationship.

When I was reading the Harry Potter series, one of my favorite parts was at the end of each book when Harry and Professor Dumbledore would have their one-on-one conversations. This is when everything that happened in the book finally made sense because Dumbledore explained it all to Harry. To me, the Dumbledore/Harry relationship was a symbolic God the Father/God the Son relationship, with Dumbledore as the father. Harry always held great respect for Dumbledore, but at the end of the 5th book he was very angry at him. Harry released his fury by yelling at Dumbledore and destroying his office. Strangely, all Dumbledore did was sit there and tell Harry to continue expressing his anger even if it was towards him. He didn't try to defend himself or bash Harry, he just sat there and took it all in.

Sometimes I have a hard time accepting the beautiful truth that there are actually people who care. There are people who care about my ridiculous problems that are really meaningless in the grand scheme of things. And more importantly, my God cares. He cares enough to listen to me express my anger towards him even when he has done absolutely nothing to deserve it. He cares enough to want to know me on a personal level, yet I'm too concerned about my reputation to let that happen. He cares enough to put other people out here that care, even though I'm not trusting enough to let them.

I'm ready to be broken down. I'm ready to be that overly-emotional teenage girl that I'm supposed to be. I'm ready because I'm tired of being emotionally barren and semi-cynical. Its not that I don't love humanity, because I truly do. I just don't trust other people to know what I'm feeling. Maybe one day there will be someone who figures out how to break through my stubborn defense barrier that I have built up. And when they do I hope they tear it to pieces so that it can never be built up again. So go ahead, come break me down because I am finished with this.

~*Elizabeth

You Are Who You Are But Is That All You Can Be?

It seems to me that in today's society we try to justify things to easily. Things that people could have been hanged for a couple of centuries ago, we now pass off as insignificant. Today everyone always has an excuse for what they did, and often that excuse releases them from deserved punishment. Although I do feel the punishments of several hundred years ago were a little extreme, I also think that society now lets us get away with too much. For instance, I think it's completely out of line for a child to be stoned to death for talking back to their parents; but I also feel that some kids today need to be slapped around a few times for the things they say. But the truth is, we are all prone to sin and can fail at any given moment.

I finished reading the book Frankenstein a couple of weeks ago, and although the story was somewhat boring and highly depressing at times, I found that the book had a lot of depth to it. The monster that doctor Frankenstein creates turns malicious and violent, which can be traced back to his biological source and lack of human nourishment. The Creature blames his behavior on this and uses it as an excuse to make the lives of others as miserable as his own. At certain points in the story you grow compassionate towards the Creature because of his loneliness, while at the same time you condemn him for the havoc he has wreaked. I think we often see this in our world today. A person may have done something terrible that truly can be traced back to their nature, but does that make it justifiable?

A common debate similar to this that we hear about today is the issue of sexual orientation. Homosexuals often use the excuse that they were "born this way" and can't really help it. As a Christian I disagree with that because I do not believe God would create one to live every day of their life in that manor. Although we should still be loving and accepting of them, I do not think we should accept it as fact that that is who they are and it cannot be changed. It is simply an excuse. It is our nature to sin, but do we just accept that and decide it to be a hopeless case? No, we push past that and realize there is something we can do about it instead of making excuses for ourselves.

Scientific research has found that many of our most violent male criminals have an extra y chromosome in their genes which gives them more "manliness" and causes them to be more aggressive. Scientists wonder if many criminal cases could have been avoided if it wasn't for this. So it becomes a major controversy: Are the people really guilty if it is simply in their nature to be this way? This is a very complex issue and I'm not going to side either way, but I do think it is important to remember that we all have to work with what we are given and control whatever emotions or desires we may have. And even if this does become excusable, what happens to the criminals then? Are they released into the world to cause more trouble and ruin more people's lives? Like I said, it is a very complicated issue but I am just using it as an example.

It just seems to me like we are all constantly making excuses. When is the last time you have admitted that you have done something wrong just because you messed up? There is nothing wrong with failure as long as we overcome. Yet we continue to make excuses to justify our own mistakes. It seems like over half the kids in America are "diagnosed" with ADD. While there are some kids who truly do have these sort of problems they must deal with, it has now become an easy excuse for disruptive behavior. When will will attempt for more than just the status quo? We must endeavor beyond what is thought of as acceptable by society. Because, honestly, society will accept almost anything today.

~*Elizabeth

Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa is the Latin phrase meaning "blank slate". It comes from the theory that humans are born as basically nothing and, as we develope, we learn from experiences and basically create ourselves.

I think that life is like a never-ending math problem that I've been working on my slate. I've been working on this same equasion for 16 and a half years only to get to the point that I realize I'm using the wrong formula. As frustrating as it may be, the only thing I can do is wipe my slate clean, and start over again.

I didn't realize it, but I've been away for a while. I've been lacking inspiration, and searching for it in all the wrong places. Hopefully, I'm back here to stay for a while. Although, I'm not entirely sure where "here" is. But now that I look back on my little escapade, the one thing I have realized is that what you want isn't always what you need and what you need isn't always what you want. So with that in mind, I'm starting fresh with a blank slate. Tabula Rasa.

~*Elizabeth