Come Break Me Down

Is anger a bad thing? Is it wrong to be mad at someone and be straight-forward about it even if it may hurt them to hear it? Even if our emotions are wrong or illegitimate, should we be up front about it or suppress it so that nobody knows what we are really feeling?

Not knowing how to express my emotions would definitely be one of my character flaws. Usually if I'm mad or upset about something I don't really like to talk about it. The truth is, I have a hard time trusting people. I don't really know why because there are some truly amazing people in my life, I just don't trust society as a whole to know what I'm feeling. Also, I don't cry. Ever. This too is a terrible way to be, and I do not encourage it at all. I think its good to cry every now and then, especially for girls. It's like casting away your burdens, and the feeling of relief is amazing. I'm not entirely sure why I don't cry. I suppose its almost like a sign of weakness, and I strive to be an emotionally strong person. These are problems I'm working on, and maybe one day I will get better at this whole "expressing yourself" thing.

Actually, I think we should be completely straight up about our feelings with people. Not to the point that we critique everything people do and lower the self esteem of others, but I don't think we should be fake about what we think of them. Its almost like the whole world is wearing this mask, and we are too afraid what people will think if we take it off. So instead, we never say the things we feel and continue to say the things we don't just to feel acceptance.

Everyday we lie with a smile. Women lie when they make their voice really high pitched saying "hey, girl" and wave at that person who you really wish didn't just walk in the room. Men lie by saying "hey man, whats happening?" and shake hands with the guy you didn't feel like seeing today. In fact, I would go as far as saying that we lie to God on a daily basis. At least, I know I do. I say that I want to abide by his plan for me and I try to wait patiently for the answers I seek, but inside I'm screaming. Is it wrong to be angry with God? You know, the big guy who created the world. The one who put me here, and does have a plan for me even if I don't see or understand it. As strange as it may sound, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a little angry at God sometimes. That is, if we are upfront about it. I think that the thing God really wants is for us to let him know what we are thinking even if that does mean unjustified anger.

If you think about it, Jesus wasn't always exactly happy with his Father. Actually, I think he was pretty angry and distraught that night in the Garden of Gethsemane. But the difference is, he went forward with his feelings and spent a great deal of time in prayer and supplication. Most of time, I swallow the lump my throat and tell myself that what I'm feeling isn't important. In other words, I run away from my problems. When reading the passage in the garden, I don't get the impression that God cursed him for being worried or upset. In fact, I think he blessed him by giving him the strength to get off his feet and do what he was born to do. I believe that if I was more honest and telling about my feelings, then I would experience these same effects.

I read the book The Shack a few months ago. If you haven't read this book then I'm sure you've at least heard of it considering that it's one of those cliche' "everychristianhastoreadit" books. Personally, I thought it was kinda strange and highly overrated. The basic story line is about this guy, Mack, whose daughter was abducted by a mass kidnapper and later found to have been murdered in a shack in the middle of the forest. One day Mack gets a letter from this guy named Papa, who turned out to be God, telling him to meet him at The Shack. The main thing I got out of this book was not exactly what I think the intended message of the story was. When Mack goes to The Shack he finally relieves himself of all the fury and emotion he had been suppressing for so long. He basically lashes out against God in anger, and tells him that he doesn't see how someone who supposedly cares so much about him could allow something as tragic as this to happen. For Mack, letting go of all of this was the first step to recovery. Once he was honest with himself, God, and later the rest of the world, he was able to deal with his emotions more rationally.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that anyone should hate God or anything like that. However, I believe that God desires to be on a personal level with us and in order for that to happen we must be honest with Him. It's not as if he doesn't know how we feel already, but for us to come forward ourselves is a giant leap toward this desired relationship.

When I was reading the Harry Potter series, one of my favorite parts was at the end of each book when Harry and Professor Dumbledore would have their one-on-one conversations. This is when everything that happened in the book finally made sense because Dumbledore explained it all to Harry. To me, the Dumbledore/Harry relationship was a symbolic God the Father/God the Son relationship, with Dumbledore as the father. Harry always held great respect for Dumbledore, but at the end of the 5th book he was very angry at him. Harry released his fury by yelling at Dumbledore and destroying his office. Strangely, all Dumbledore did was sit there and tell Harry to continue expressing his anger even if it was towards him. He didn't try to defend himself or bash Harry, he just sat there and took it all in.

Sometimes I have a hard time accepting the beautiful truth that there are actually people who care. There are people who care about my ridiculous problems that are really meaningless in the grand scheme of things. And more importantly, my God cares. He cares enough to listen to me express my anger towards him even when he has done absolutely nothing to deserve it. He cares enough to want to know me on a personal level, yet I'm too concerned about my reputation to let that happen. He cares enough to put other people out here that care, even though I'm not trusting enough to let them.

I'm ready to be broken down. I'm ready to be that overly-emotional teenage girl that I'm supposed to be. I'm ready because I'm tired of being emotionally barren and semi-cynical. Its not that I don't love humanity, because I truly do. I just don't trust other people to know what I'm feeling. Maybe one day there will be someone who figures out how to break through my stubborn defense barrier that I have built up. And when they do I hope they tear it to pieces so that it can never be built up again. So go ahead, come break me down because I am finished with this.

~*Elizabeth