Sometimes I feel like I'm completely lost. Sometimes I feel like everything I've spent my life living for is completely and utterly useless. I spend all this time searching myself to figure out who exactly I am, what I stand for, and what I believe in; then I sit here and question myself. I ask myself if it's really all worth it. Is it worth my own thought to try to decide what I believe, when nobody really knows the right answer to anything anyway? Is it worth swallowing my pride to reach out to others when I only get a slap in the face in return? Is it worth staying up all night to study for a test that I end up failing anyway? It's like I'm at that point where I'm so close to the end, yet everything is pressing down on me to the point that I just want to drop it all and give up. Like a runner in a marathon who has been jogging a steady pace for miles, and just when the finish line is in sight he thinks he can't make it any farther. Or maybe he just doesn't want to finish because, after all, running is what he does and after the race is over he just won't know what to do next. I read a John Steinbeck book a while back Cannery Row. At one point there was a guy in the story who they said had spent a major part of his life building a boat. Somebody asked why it was taking so long for him to build the boat, because it really wasn't that big or extravagant and didn't seem like it would have taken that long to build. The guy talking about it replied that he really finished the boat a long time ago. The truth was he really didn't like the water, he was afraid of it, but his enjoyment lied in the building of the boat so that's what he spend his time doing. He never considered the job finished.


I guess that's kinda how I am. I spend all this time anticipating life after high school. I wanted to grow up so fast and just get out of here. I wanted to leave this all behind and start a new life. And although part of me still does, now that the time is so quickly approaching I don't even know what to do with myself. I've spent all these years "building my boat", but now I don't even know if it will be able to withstand the rough waters. Like the character in Cannery Row, I'm scared of what's out there because so far, the comfort of my own home is all I know. But I guess it's up to me now to take a deep breath, face reality, and realize that although I may not have much of a past, I do have a future. Because the truth is, all I have to do is look around me and remember all the incredible memories to remind myself that it really is all worth it. Even the pain of leaving everything behind becomes bearable knowing that memories are something that take a long time to fade. I've seen through myself that life comes in Seasons. Even though today is cold and dreary, tomorrow I may wake up to sunshine. It's up to me to seize the day and make the best of what it is instead of soaking in self misery.

~*Elizabeth