Writing this blog will most likely end with a group of people, who once respected me, coming together with plans of lynching or decapitating me. Why, you may ask? Because I am about to do something very bold and daring. I am going to bring up the dreaded issue that we were all glad to declare part of the past. *deep breathe* Yes, I am referring to the infamous Evolution Debate.

And, just to clarify, I am not bringing this up because I wish to start another argument. I know that we were all relieved to just bury the hatchet when it came to that debate. I am not reigniting the fire because I wish to insult anyone else or denounce their method of argument. In fact, the reason I am writing this is because I am more ashamed of my own method of argument than anyone else's.

Reading back through Matt's argument and the comments of others, particularly myself, made me realize how differently I thought through things back then than I do now. In fact, I remember actually being scared the first time I read it. This probably sounds ridiculous, but the idea of someone believing in a concept that I felt was so radical actually made me afraid. Looking back, I think that my fear of the idea was the reason I opposed it so strongly. I grew up being taught over and over again that God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. He did this by speaking the world into existence and breathing life into mankind. There was no giant egg involved, and the species of man did not originate from apes. Anyone who believed otherwise, in my mind, was blasphemy (for anyone involved in the controversy, I did not look down on you, this was just my initial reaction). With the way I think about things now, reading through the second time made me realize that if anyone was blasphemous in the situation then maybe it was me. I went in thinking I had all the answers, and refused to open my eyes to an alternative point of view. When I made my defense, I appeared to be open minded when really all I was doing was finding ways to support what I already believed.

When I read through everything again, the defense for evolution actually made sense to me, whereas it did not before. I feel that I have become more open minded and matured in my way of thinking, and although I still disagree with the theory, I disagree for different reasons than I said before. A major concept that my mind simply could not grasp was that the Creation story was a poem that may not necessarily be meant to be taken literally. I feel that, while the Bible does hold many of life's answers, it is also a beautiful work of literature. In fact, I would love to be able to take an entire class focusing on the Bible as a work of literature rather than strictly the word of God. I think that would open my eyes to what God has to say to me even more. Anyone who was raised in a Christian family or has even stepped foot into a church has been taught that the Bible is the infallible word of God. But where is the basis of our belief? I remember when I wrote my blog against evolution I opened by referencing 2 Timothy 3:16. "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness." Already my debate was flawed because I had committed a terrible fallacy. I was basically saying that we should believe literally everything the Bible says, and the reason we should do this is because the Bible tells us to. This screams circular reasoning and pretty much crosses out my entire argument.

So am I saying that we can't rely on the Bible to give us answers and guide us through life? No, absolutely not. I can already see my dad sitting here reading this, turning red in the face, trying not to scream (and I already expect a pretty lengthy comment). The point I'm trying to make is that Christians sometimes try to fit the world into their Christian circle, and refuse to open their eyes to reality. Reality states that the Bible was written by man. Yes, inspired by God, but nonetheless written by man ,who is flawed in every action. Additionally, the Bible has undergone many translations(also done by man), and we cannot expect that to be done perfectly. On top of all of that, the Bible is read and interpreted by man. We make Scripture mean what we want it to mean in order to fit into our beliefs. I could say that I believe just about anything, open to the reference in my Bible, and find a verse that supports it.

I think that I've reached the point in my life that I have realized there really isn't a correct answer to anything. All of us who did not support the evolution theory had good reasons for doing so. Those who did support it had excellent reasons as well. Who is to say that one person is right and the other is wrong? Maybe I am saying this because I have become weak or a person of little faith, but I think that to some extent truth is relative. If we all believe something, believe it with passion, and carry it out in our lives, then maybe to some degree we are all right. God wants passion, not apathy. He wants us to seek Him in our lives, and hold strong to whatever we find even if it may be different than what others find.

I feel like, over the last six to eight months, I've reached a pretty low point in my life. I've doubted more than I ever have before, and I don't have nearly as much "faith" as I used to. You may look down on me for saying this, but that does not matter to me. I quit trying to make my beliefs fit in to what my parents believe, what my friends believe, or what pastors have said. Maybe I am not as strong as I used to be, but now I am real. I don't want to look back on things I have said or written and feel like a hypocrite anymore. I want to live what I speak, and do it proudly. Unfortunately, in order to do that, I had to start clean. I had to tear down rebuild my relationship with God instead of continuing in the fake one I already had. So maybe I have taken a few steps back, but to me that is ok. Because now I am, hopefully, making progress, and that is better than staying in the same place for the rest of my life.

About a week ago I began writing a blog about how much I have changed over the past few months. How I have changed both for the better and for the worse. It was already a really long blog, and I hadn't even finished yet. I got so lost in my thoughts that I just had to quit for a while and come back to it. But then I realized I was writing it pretty much just for myself, because I wanted to convince myself that I had become a better person. The truth was, I really didn't even want anyone else to see it. That blog will probably sit in my drafts forever, never finished, never published. Because maybe, after all, I haven't changed so much. Maybe I'm still the coward I've always been. Afraid to speak. Afraid to let people in. Afraid to reveal myself. Maybe some things never change...