The Beginning

A few weeks ago David and I were talking when he randomly says "I think we should start a Bible Study". It was weird because that was something I had in the back of my mind for a while, but I never really thought anybody else would actually be interested in it and I just assumed the idea would get pushed aside if I mentioned it. But David brought up the idea and we both immediately got excited. We weren't sure what direction we were going to take this, when we would begin, or where it would be held, but we both knew it was something we wanted to do.

In the midst of this, both of us were reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and were really enjoying it, so we pretty much decided that we would start leading the Bible Study through that book. After further planning we finally set a date, and I think our excitedness began turning to nervousness. I'm a shy person. I'm a listener and a follower, not a leader or a speaker. Although David and I had no intention of "teaching" this Bible Study, we both knew that we would have to be the ones to get the discussion going and come up with questions and flow for the conversation. I know, for me, it was a huge step forward because for the first time I was actually taking initiative to get things done.

Yesterday was our first session and I think, aside from a few distractions, it went very well. I expected only four maybe five people to show up, but we ended up having 9. Although David and I were the main ones proposing ideas and questions, there was really no problem getting other people to talk. Nearly everyone had their own opinion to put forth, and those who didn't I knew were actually listening and thinking through what we were talking about.

The main issue that chapter one talked about was the vastness and intricacy of God's creation. In the book, Francis asks you to go watch this video. After watching it, I kinda had mixed emotions. Part of me was in awe of my Mighty Creator, while another part of me wondered why the heck he felt the need to create the world like this. Were all those other galaxies really necessary? Does a caterpillar really need 228 distinct muscles just in its head? Does an elm tree really need 6 million leaves? Practically, maybe not. But it goes so much deeper than that. During our discussion I asked the question: Why did God make the world so excessively big? We tossed different ideas around like the fact that God's creation is his own work of art, and his personality is seen through it. Another idea was that maybe God just wanted to show us how much he really cares. He cares so much that he added such great detail to his work to show us that we are worth the time and effort. Another reason would be just to show how big and powerful he really is. I also think a great explanation for the complexity and vastness of creation is seen in Romans 1:20. "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." God made his creation so detailed so that we would know there is a divine being, a mighty Creator, a God loves us so much that he would make himself man and die for us. We spend our lives asking for proof of this God we can't see, when the truth is he shows himself blatantly in the world around us. His creation is our proof, and we are left with no excuse to turn from him.

So after concluding that God shows his majesty through the magnitude of his creation, we began asking the question: Why is it so hard to love God, and why do we have to constantly remind ourselves of him when his presence is so obvious? We all agreed that we have too many distractions in our lives. Just sit back and think of how much time you've wasted in your life doing things that in reality are meaningless. I spend way more time on facebook than I do reading my Bible. The amount of time I spend talking to God would have to be multiplied by a fairly large number to reach the amount of time I spend talking to my friends. I work for money that I don't even really need way much more than I spend time serving those around me without pay. Am I saying that you should quit your job and spend your life working for no pay? No, you must still think about what's best for yourself. But at the same time, nothing about Christianity is practical. It wasn't practical for the disciples to leave their jobs and their families in order to follow Jesus, but it was something he demanded and was a risk they had to take. I tend to play life safely. I don't take many risks, and I usually leave the big things for other people to handle. But I think I've reached the point in my life where I want to give more. I'm tired of living a boring, half-way life and I want to dedicate myself completely to his work.

And aside from distractions of life, we also discussed that it's hard to love God because life can be so unfair sometimes. Death, poverty, illness, and hatred tell us that there is no God. Last Thursday I attended a memorial service of a two year old little girl who was hit by a car. How is that fair? How is it fair that she will never be given a chance at life, and that her family and those close to her will have to spend the rest of their lives missing her? It's not fair, not at all; but we will never be satisfied asking why things happen. This was the main theme of the message presented at her service. The man who did the eulogy said that we must stop asking why things happen, and just accept the fact that it did happen. In her short two years, Abigail was able to impact lives more than someone who died a natural death of old age may have been able to. Because of her accident, parents are encouraged to build stronger relationships with their kids while they still have the opportunity. People are reminded that we are never guaranteed tomorrow, and every minute of our lives count. Drivers now feel the need to be more aware and cautious of their surroundings in order to eliminate the number of accidents that happen. As horrible as it may seem, tragedy is what brings us together. We discussed 9/11 and how it brought us together as a nation, and as families. People strengthened relationships with one another because of the event. People were in churches, and we were once again a Christian nation. Although the impact may not have been lasting, it did bring us together for a while. Love was surrounding us, and we could feel God's presence in the midst of disparity. But still, we look at the world around us and see its imperfection, people die for seemingly no reason, and humanity is cruel. We fail to comprehend how a loving God can exist in the midst of that. So instead we reject him, or maybe just forget him. We become immune to him and his creation, and it gets to the point that we just really don't care.

There are several other things we discussed yesterday, but these are just the highlights I wanted to hit. I could be the only one, but I'm really excited about where this is going. For once, people actually seem like they care. We also kept throwing out the concept of how this can impact us as individuals, our youth group, our church, our community, and even the entire world we live in. I'm hoping that each session we will be able to bring up new ideas and topics of discussion. I hope that we will be able to strengthen relationships, and be able to put our beliefs into action by opening up to the community. David titled the event of our first meeting "The Beginning", but I think that would be an excellent title for the small group as a whole. Maybe this is the beginning of something new, maybe for the first time in quite a while we will all begin taking initiative and getting things done rather than waiting on someone else.

I really planned on writing this on Easter when it would fit more appropriately, but I ended up falling asleep instead. This year I just really started thinking about how horrible the commercialization of holidays are. It's like we can't even celebrate a significant day without forgetting what the significance of the day is. Days like Valentines Day, Mother's Day, and Father's day seem completely ridiculous to me because I think it's horrible to pick just one day out of the year to show love to our parent of significant other. In the same way, I hate that we reserve Good Friday and Easter as the days to recognize Jesus' death and resurrection when it's something that impacts our lives so heavily every day.

It really hit me Sunday afternoon when I was at my aunt's house for our typical Easter family gathering. I was playing with my 6-year old cousin while she was rambling on telling me about our plan to "defeat the boys" when out of nowhere she looks at me and says "Elizabeth, why does the Easter Bunny come if that's not what Easter is really all about?". It kind of took me off guard, and I honestly had no idea what to say. I ended up mumbling out something about how even though Easter has a much more important meaning, the Easter Bunny still brings us things because he wants us to be happy. Blah blah blah. As it turned out, Madeleine had a much better response for herself than what I had to give her. She simply said "I'm just happy that Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead".

Sometimes we forget how simple it really is. We forget that we don't actually have to run around hiding eggs or decorating our homes with pink bunnies to make us happy. Just sit for a moment and soak in the concept of this God, who is Creator of the universe, humbles himself to become the Redeemer of the universe. He made himself man, took on the lowly life of an ordinary human being, and then bore the weight of our sins on the cross so that we may be free. So that we could live a life knowing we are forgiven even though we have done nothing to deserve it.

And aside from dying to pay the price of our sins, I believe that there is a much greater meaning behind Christ's death. Dying for our sins was mere symbolism. If that was all that was at stake then I'm sure God would have found a better solution. The God I worship is the only god(that I know of) who lowered himself to grow closer to us. The fact that the Almighty God, who has the ability to wipe us all out by just thinking it, made himself human provides an emotional connection between God and man. Christ had to live. Christ had to die. It's what set him apart, what made him respectable, what made it him real.

As anyone who is reading this probably already knows, I love the show Lost. Despite the confusion and craziness of the 5th season, it ended very interestingly. The 4th season ended with six of the characters finding their way off the island and back to the United States. John Locke, is one of the main characters of the show who I always titled the Christ-figure. At the beginning of the 5th season, Richard tells John that it is vital for him to bring those six people back to the island, and in order to do so he must first die. He spends a great deal of time trying to convince them to return, but nobody even dreamed of doing so. They would rather die then go back to the island. By the end of the season, they all find out that John died by what they thought was suicide. After hearing this, they knew that they had to go back. They didn't know why they did or why they felt this way, but it was like fate was drawing them back. John Locke's death ignited an emotion in them all and brought them back together.

In the same way, I think Christ's death acts as a bridge between all Christians, and really all of humanity. It's the one and only thing we have in common, the only thing that can connect us to one another. Without his death, we would worship him out of fear and obligation rather than out of love and admiration. Right now I'm reading through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. If you haven't read this book then I highly recommend it. And that's coming from someone who really isn't a fan of religious books. Anyway, at one point he says "No worship is better than apathetic worship". The truth is, I usually don't care. I want to care, but it's hard when you enter worship and feel no emotion. And I've spent all of this time blaming God for not giving me inspiration, but really it's my own fault. He gave his life over 2,000 years ago to give me inspiration. The only time I ever sit and think about what actually happened on that day is around Easter, and even then I'm distracted by things like going to the store to get vinegar so my mom can have colored eggs. Maybe if I treated everyday like Easter, outside of the commercialization, then I wouldn't be so lukewarm. I don't want to be apathetic anymore. I want to live for a reason. I want to live because he died.

Writing this blog will most likely end with a group of people, who once respected me, coming together with plans of lynching or decapitating me. Why, you may ask? Because I am about to do something very bold and daring. I am going to bring up the dreaded issue that we were all glad to declare part of the past. *deep breathe* Yes, I am referring to the infamous Evolution Debate.

And, just to clarify, I am not bringing this up because I wish to start another argument. I know that we were all relieved to just bury the hatchet when it came to that debate. I am not reigniting the fire because I wish to insult anyone else or denounce their method of argument. In fact, the reason I am writing this is because I am more ashamed of my own method of argument than anyone else's.

Reading back through Matt's argument and the comments of others, particularly myself, made me realize how differently I thought through things back then than I do now. In fact, I remember actually being scared the first time I read it. This probably sounds ridiculous, but the idea of someone believing in a concept that I felt was so radical actually made me afraid. Looking back, I think that my fear of the idea was the reason I opposed it so strongly. I grew up being taught over and over again that God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. He did this by speaking the world into existence and breathing life into mankind. There was no giant egg involved, and the species of man did not originate from apes. Anyone who believed otherwise, in my mind, was blasphemy (for anyone involved in the controversy, I did not look down on you, this was just my initial reaction). With the way I think about things now, reading through the second time made me realize that if anyone was blasphemous in the situation then maybe it was me. I went in thinking I had all the answers, and refused to open my eyes to an alternative point of view. When I made my defense, I appeared to be open minded when really all I was doing was finding ways to support what I already believed.

When I read through everything again, the defense for evolution actually made sense to me, whereas it did not before. I feel that I have become more open minded and matured in my way of thinking, and although I still disagree with the theory, I disagree for different reasons than I said before. A major concept that my mind simply could not grasp was that the Creation story was a poem that may not necessarily be meant to be taken literally. I feel that, while the Bible does hold many of life's answers, it is also a beautiful work of literature. In fact, I would love to be able to take an entire class focusing on the Bible as a work of literature rather than strictly the word of God. I think that would open my eyes to what God has to say to me even more. Anyone who was raised in a Christian family or has even stepped foot into a church has been taught that the Bible is the infallible word of God. But where is the basis of our belief? I remember when I wrote my blog against evolution I opened by referencing 2 Timothy 3:16. "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness." Already my debate was flawed because I had committed a terrible fallacy. I was basically saying that we should believe literally everything the Bible says, and the reason we should do this is because the Bible tells us to. This screams circular reasoning and pretty much crosses out my entire argument.

So am I saying that we can't rely on the Bible to give us answers and guide us through life? No, absolutely not. I can already see my dad sitting here reading this, turning red in the face, trying not to scream (and I already expect a pretty lengthy comment). The point I'm trying to make is that Christians sometimes try to fit the world into their Christian circle, and refuse to open their eyes to reality. Reality states that the Bible was written by man. Yes, inspired by God, but nonetheless written by man ,who is flawed in every action. Additionally, the Bible has undergone many translations(also done by man), and we cannot expect that to be done perfectly. On top of all of that, the Bible is read and interpreted by man. We make Scripture mean what we want it to mean in order to fit into our beliefs. I could say that I believe just about anything, open to the reference in my Bible, and find a verse that supports it.

I think that I've reached the point in my life that I have realized there really isn't a correct answer to anything. All of us who did not support the evolution theory had good reasons for doing so. Those who did support it had excellent reasons as well. Who is to say that one person is right and the other is wrong? Maybe I am saying this because I have become weak or a person of little faith, but I think that to some extent truth is relative. If we all believe something, believe it with passion, and carry it out in our lives, then maybe to some degree we are all right. God wants passion, not apathy. He wants us to seek Him in our lives, and hold strong to whatever we find even if it may be different than what others find.

I feel like, over the last six to eight months, I've reached a pretty low point in my life. I've doubted more than I ever have before, and I don't have nearly as much "faith" as I used to. You may look down on me for saying this, but that does not matter to me. I quit trying to make my beliefs fit in to what my parents believe, what my friends believe, or what pastors have said. Maybe I am not as strong as I used to be, but now I am real. I don't want to look back on things I have said or written and feel like a hypocrite anymore. I want to live what I speak, and do it proudly. Unfortunately, in order to do that, I had to start clean. I had to tear down rebuild my relationship with God instead of continuing in the fake one I already had. So maybe I have taken a few steps back, but to me that is ok. Because now I am, hopefully, making progress, and that is better than staying in the same place for the rest of my life.

About a week ago I began writing a blog about how much I have changed over the past few months. How I have changed both for the better and for the worse. It was already a really long blog, and I hadn't even finished yet. I got so lost in my thoughts that I just had to quit for a while and come back to it. But then I realized I was writing it pretty much just for myself, because I wanted to convince myself that I had become a better person. The truth was, I really didn't even want anyone else to see it. That blog will probably sit in my drafts forever, never finished, never published. Because maybe, after all, I haven't changed so much. Maybe I'm still the coward I've always been. Afraid to speak. Afraid to let people in. Afraid to reveal myself. Maybe some things never change...

I feel like I should say something, but I really have no idea what to say.

Jack and Jill

We've all heard the story of Jack and Jill,
and how they went up a hill to fetch a pail of water.
When Jack falls down, breaks his crown, and Jill comes tumbling after.
But this rhyme leaves the reader unfullfilled, for such crucial details it leaves out.
For we don't even know how the journey began, or even how Jack's stumble came about.
It all began on a bright summer's day when Jack was summoned by his father.
He felt slightly afraid and his hands trembled, for his dad was a man in which one shouldnt bother.
Now don't get me wrong, he was a wonderful man filled with love and compassion.
But he was the sort of father, who if you failed to obey, you knew you were in for a lashing. When he timidly approached he found his father waiting with a bucket in hand.
He pointed to the East and said firmly yet softly, "Son, this is my command."
He continued by saying "Take this bucket, and together with your sister, climb the hill in the East."
Once you have passed all obstacles and reached the top, you will find the River of Peace.
I want you to fill this bucket to the rim and bring it back here to me.
If you do what I ask and you do it correctly, then your reward you may see.

Now Jack was a smart boy and knew not to question his duty and further. So with the bucket in hand and Jill by his side, he ascended the hill never dreaming it may lead to murder
At first the task seemed so simple, they felt wild and free
Until suddenly it was as if they could barely breathe.
The came upon their entrance of the Forest of Desparity.
At once, every happy feeling or emotion had vanished.
As if they would never smile again, they were terrifyed. Even too afraid to panick.
They were surrounded by cold, foggy mist whishpering torments in their ears.
"You are failures. You will never survive. Your feet will never reach the top!"
Then Jack looked down to find Jill's eyes filled with tears.
But he suddenly remembered the task that lie before him. He musn't give up. They must proceed!
He then took a deep breath and said to himself, "I will not have my father ashamed of me"
The continued for what seemed like hours, in what felt like quicksand beneath their feet.
All their failures and shortcomings rest upon their shoulders, and they felt bruised and ever so beat.

But soon they learned that perseverance pays off, when a ray of sunlight shone through ahead. They proceeded even faster until they landed in a feathers, as soft as a bed.
When Jill opened her eyes, she couldn't help but laugh and stare.
For Jack did look rather funny with feathers in his hair.
Jack then looked at her with a grin But it was mostly because he was able to smile again.
They layed there for a while enjoying the scene that surrounded them, But they both stood up knowing there was work to be done.
So they began with a slow walk, then dashed into a run.
Jill was cooled by the wind in her hair, and Jack by the glistening sweat rolling down his temple. Once again everything seemed to them so beautifully simple.
The suddenly halted when out of the corner of her eye, Jill spotted an innocently majestic lamb lying by her side.
She cautiously approached, but the lamb seemed welcome by any visitor nearby.
She petted it softly, and Jack joined in. The animal did not seem at all shy.
After a few moments had passed, Jack came to the realization that sheep do not travel alone.
The poor thing must be lost or abandoned, or somehow found its way from home.
Enthralled by its beauty and peaceful nature, they decided to carry it along.
Maybe they would find its flock, at least they certainly werent doing anything wrong.
So Jack picked up the lamb, and they proceeded until nightfall forced them to make camp.
They slept on the ground which was warm only hours before, but now was cold and damp.
They fell into slumber until Jack was awoken by hot air blowing on his neck.
Where the lamb had once laid was now an ugly wolf-as if it had been in a fight or a reck.
It stared at him menacingly then charged toward his face.
When the claw hit his skin, Jack knew it would leave a scar that would never erase.
But, surprisingly, the wolf did not again strike.
Yet Jack somehow knew this was not the end of the fight.
It took the bucket for the water, and clenched it between its jaw.
Jack sprinted after him and began to follow.

Jill wept as she slowly followed behind, not knowing which direction they went.
She felt useless, questioning her own existance or why she was even sent.
She had been alone before, but had certainly never felt as alone as this.
She continued to cry when she met someone who made everything make sense.
"Why are you crying, dear one?", a voice came from behind.
She turned around swiftly, and what a surprise she did find.
It was a well-dressed lad, and ever so handsome!
Paralyzed by shock, she just stared at him while blinking.
She didn't know what to say, or even what she was thinking.
He went on to tell her how beautiful girls such as herself shouldnt spend so much time in misery He boosted her self-esteem and did simply anything he could to make her feel less weary.
Jill was not entirely sure what love was, or how it felt; but she guessed it was something like this. They gazed at each other and leaned in to kiss,
but after the release- She was horrifyed to find him running into the forest, never again to be seen.
She felt heartbroken but knew this had been a distraction.
Now she was reminded the nobody cares of her turmoil, and it was time to take action.

Meanwhile, Jack continued until eventually he found himself alone and lost.
He felt a terrible brother for he abandoned his sister, and the price to pay would be of high cost. He placed himself down upon a moss-covered rock, and reviewed the adventure over the last day.
He attempted to postulate a plan in his mind, but couldn't see past his own dismay.
As he sat, he began hearing a quiet thumping noise coming from behind.
It gradually grew louder and he saw people running-people unlike his kind.
They appeared savage and with a murderous look in their eyes.
But he did not stay to examine, for these people were much larger than his size.
He ran until his feet could carry him no more.
Even still he continued until suddenly through the air he soared.
He had tripped over something, but what could it be?
He tried to move forward but did not get very far, for little did he see-
his foot was stuck in the pail his father had given him just one day previously.
The pail did not look the same, for now it was dented and beat.
There was now one thing he knew, and that was that he must reach the River of Peace.

He was unsure which direction he was heading, so he let his feet carry him instead.
The vicious army behind him still followed, appearing as if they had not been fed.
Jack had never experienced an adrenaline rush like this before.
He WOULD make it to the top, by this he swore!
Then at last he saw only a few yard straight ahead-
A river, streaming so peacefully. He had made it just like he said.
Along the river bank, he spotted a young girl.
He rushed by her side, picked her up, and gave her a whirl.
Im sorry for leaving you, he began to cry.
"No time for apologizing now", she replied. "We must hurry or we will surely die!"
Jack took the beaten bucket, and filled it high.
And with Jill's hand in his other, they charged into the night.
It was now a downhill run, they were sure they could make it.
But the savages still followed, and their lives were forsaken.
"Not much further", he yelled. "I see our cottage in the distance"
What he didn't know is that the savages were given assistance.

In midair as he lept, an arrow pierced through his back.
He fell to the ground, and Jill followed behind as the bucket of water splashed.
It was a double-ended arrow, and the other end went through Jill too.
Their journey was now over. They were finished. They were through.
Their bodies were now connected by the arrows in between,
But the cuts went deep, and they went through clean.
The catastrophe happened not far from home, so their father rushed to the scene.
He began weeping mournfully, and fell down to his knees.
He saw the bucket beside them, it was empty indeed.
But instead the children were dripping with water from the River of Peace.
And it was true that they had never looked so peaceful as now that their lives had ceased.
As the grown man cried he said, "My son, my daughter, in you I am well pleased."
From his eye, a single tear dripped upon Jacks lips.
After of moment of time, he felt his son's grip.
Their father knew now this fight was not over, so he cried even harder.
Soon his tears streamed all over his son and his daughter.
At last they were awoken by their father's loving compassion.
All their fears and strife were now in passing.
The arrow wounds on their bodies healed in a moments time,
But the scar from the wolf would be something to always remind.
They hugged and they kissed, and they wept a little more
Until finally they made it back to the cottage door.
I tell you, this sotry was written so that one may never give up,
and will always remember that there is nothing so pure as a Father's love.

~*Elizabeth

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27